Friday, April 04, 2008


Happy Endings or Sad Endings?
Redemption or Justice?
What do you prefer in a story?


I dream and then there are days I DREAM. Dreams that I wake up and the world doesn't feel right because the reality of my dream is so much more real than the world around me. I don't have these universe altering dreams often, about two times a year or so, usually more so when I'm it's probably hormonal, but I had one of those reality shifting dreams last night. I am a little unsure about writing down what I dreamed because it involves real people in unreal situations and them acting in ways that they don't act. So I'm going to change it up a little bit for my blog.

In my dream Ray and I went to visit family for Christmas. While visiting our family we found out that one of our sibling had had three kids that we didn't know about. One instance was a set of twin boys that were now about 23 years old that had been given up for adoption. They were happy well adjusted kids and they had found out about us and come back to visit our family for Christmas. Everyone was happy to meet them, we were a little bit sad about what we had missed out of their life but glad that they had been so happy in their life up to this point. They were tall blonde and pretty much the all american guys.

At the same time we found out that this same mom had had another little boy that had not been given up for adoption. This little boy was 16 and his name was Jeffrey. Jeffrey was special. Jeffrey couldn't talk. Jeffrey lived in the town where my family that we had gone to visit lived but no one except the mom and the grandparents knew that Jeffrey was part of our family. Jeffrey was the town mystery. He lived in an abandon house by himself. This town was rural and the towns people made sure Jeffrey got food when he got hungry enough to come around and beg but no one ever tried to take Jeffrey in. Everyone kind of just minded their own business and Jeffrey seemed to be nobody's business.

When I found out that Jeffrey was part of my family I knew immediately that I needed to adopt him. In my dream I was walking through a grocery store looking at strawberries. Half of my mind was trying to remember the ingredients for a dessert and the other half was try to decide if I was going to tell Ray we needed to adopt Jeffrey or should I wait and let God tell Ray and let Ray tell me. I remember the panic in my chest that I couldn't wait, something might happen to Jeffrey. Suddenly our whole family knew Jeffrey belonged to us and what if one of the other parts of our family decided to take him in when I KNEW he was meant for our family.

I told Ray and he reluctantly agreed that we needed to do this. This is where a little bit of reality works into my dream. Ray is intensely loyal to family and would sacrifice anything for family. He definitely believes that we "take care of our own". He also is sometimes a little slower, but not by much, slower to jump in headfirst into BIG circumstances. I think I have a BIG God and I can adapt and make do so to hell with how things look, lets go for it! Anyway we brought Jeffrey home. On the ride home I remember thinking how this was going to change our lives probably in ways we could never imagine, having a son that would never grow up and move away.

Our house is small we already have three kids that live in two bedrooms. We have one extra bedroom that has been converted into an office for Ray and truthfully a huge laundry basket for me. In my dream we moved all of the stuff out of that small room and made it a haven for Jeffrey. We put in a loft and a couch, making it as cozy and private as we could for our special son that wasn't used to living with other people in such close proximity. Jeffrey seemed a bit bewildered by his change of surroundings but for the most part Jeffrey had always just smiled and Jeffrey continued to just smile. He would disappear for hours into his room to be by himself but when he came out again he would smile. Our family LOVED Jeffrey. Gabe LOVED Jeffrey. Jeffrey didn't want to borrow his wii games, Jeffrey didn't mess with his room, but Jeffrey was always there to be with you. Emma for the most part would ignore Jeffrey but if you asked her she would say she loved him and was glad he was around. She like the idea of having a sweet older brother but like Ray she was more cautious and it was going to take her a while to figure out exactly how she felt about Jeffrey. Julia was passionate about Jeffrey. She wanted him to play dolls with her and Jeffrey would sit still and let her paint his nails. Jeffrey didn't mind if she called him Crystal or Jewel and he was always good for a snuggle.

I felt so torn. I was so crushed and disappointed that members of our family could have abandon Jeffrey. I didn't understand how for 16 years someone could have known about him and not taken him in. I felt like there had to be something missing that I didn't understand because this was so out of character for the people I knew. On the other hand I felt like a piece of the puzzle that had always been missing in our family was finally here. Jeffrey was always meant for our family and he had finally showed up. I knew it was going to be hard to have a son that didn't talk and was so simple and would never grow up.

Then I woke up.

The bedroom at the end of our hall feels empty. I still feel hurt that Jeffrey was abondon but even more so I am sad so so sad that there is no Jeffrey. He feels so real. I can see his slight body, brown hair and shy simple smile. Today is grey and rainy but it feels so much more so because reality has come crashing in and Jeffrey isn't here not talking but just being and the five us in my family are so less of who we could be because we don't have life with Jeffrey to change and grow us.

Monday, March 31, 2008

4 Going on 24

Yesterday, Julia, who just turned four asked from her carseat in the back of the van, "Mom, now that I'm four can I call you Lara?"